CEMENTYOUR NAMEIN HISTORY.

300 lbs of forest-scented rage. Hasn't showered since 1987. Will absolutely body-slam you into a tree and not lose a single hair.

A billion-year-old cosmic horror with the emotional maturity of a toddler. Will end your sanity before the first punch lands.

Knows every bad thing you've ever done. Has been building rage since December 26th. The naughty list is your death warrant.

Lived under your bed for years and never once paid rent. Finally out of the dark and extremely bitter about it.

Slow. Determined. Smells like a Denny's dumpster in July. Will outlast you through sheer willingness to keep existing.

Full moon energy, zero self-control, and aggressively over-committed to the bit. You'll hear the howl before you see the claws.

Centuries old, suspiciously well-dressed, and absolutely furious you didn't invite him in first. He makes it weird and then bites you.

Traveled 40 light-years specifically to fight you. Has already probed better fighters. Disappointingly confident given how small those arms are.

Extremely committed to the bit. Honks once before each attack. No one knows why. No one has lived long enough to figure it out.

Looks exactly like you but angrier, meaner, and somehow in better shape. Knows every single one of your weaknesses. Because they are you.

Already asked to speak to your manager. Left a 1-star review of your existence. Will fight you and then dispute the result with corporate.